Life sure moves fast
Hello. So here we are again — months and months since the last blog entry, little to no activity on my site, and a whole lot to talk about what’s happened between then, and now.
My therapist referred me for an autism and ADHD assessment. I’m still amidst the diagnosis process as of right now, but it’s had me very contemplative, and I’ve been reflecting on a lot of my feelings and habits. To put it bluntly, I’ve often felt I hate the presence of most people. They make me uncomfortable, they’re a lot to account for, and they’re hard to predict. I feel like an alien, like I can emulate and mirror their behaviors but it doesn’t feel natural.
In thinking about why I feel the way I do, I’ve started to reframe it, and realize that it’s not people that I hate — truthfully I hate very few people. But people are overwhelming, incredibly so sometimes. To not go into too much detail, the more I think on it, the more autistic and ADHD traits I have. We’ll find out soon.
Regardless, I’ve been trying to regulate myself more. I’ve been utilizing a pair of loops earplugs to help block out extra noise, and I’ve been allowing myself more freedom with limiting eye contact. I’m trying not to just mirror what other people give me, as it leaves me a husk after social outings. Feeling used, like I’ve melded around the forms of other people and I can’t find my original shape. I don’t have to do any of it. I refuse to do so anymore.
To learn Autonomy and Self Respect
Hand in hand with my previous topic, is the realization that I have lived my entire sentient life at the will of others. Whenever there’s a difference of opinion, or a boundary is crossed, it’s easier to just let it happen and agree with the other person. To speak up would make me too big a presence, too big an imposition. I realized, that while I had my own ‘rebellious’ phase as a teenager, but I never really established myself outside my family emotionally. I never stopped seeking my family’s validation, and their reassurance that I was doing things right.
By no means am I saying family shouldn’t be a source of validation or reassurance. Family is important, so is the comfort and strength you find through them. But at no point, did I establish my own well of strength to draw from. I needed their approval, their strength and validation. Recent events in the family has left me feeling like they betrayed my trust, and didn’t respect me enough to tell me the truth about how they felt.
I’m almost 30 years old. I cannot continue to rely on them emotionally, I cannot continue to put stock in guessing what they feel, or craving their approval or validation. I am so much more than what pleases them, I am so much more than their ideas of me. I am a person unto myself, a whole being, and I refuse to hide my emotions or bend the knee to anybody’s whim. , I was given no framework for communication. In our house, if something was hard to talk about, rarely was it actually spoken of. I’m learning how to communicate my feelings now. I’m learning how to set my own boundaries. I’m learning how to live by my truths, instead of someone else’s.
What Does the Future Hold?
Bright things, I hope. All in all, I’m in a much better place emotionally, and physically. I haven’t touched a drop of alcohol in 5 months. I’m eating better, losing weight. I’m realizing where my deficiencies are, and learning how to improve. My wife is studying for her CompTIA A+, and we plan on tackling the CCNA together afterwards. Things have been rough with the family, there’s been a lot of complicated emotions on all sides, and I’d love to reforge connections with them. But I need to work on myself, and I cant be the only one putting effort into it. Before any productive conversation can be had, I want them to go to therapy just like my wife and I are. Only then, I will be willing to go forward with attempting to reestablish what we once previously thought we had. Until then, the only thing I truly feel like I can rely on them for, is to not raise the rent.
I feel like I’m solidifying as a person. Each day is a step forward, and there’s no where to go but forward. The past is a prison for the self. I refuse to put myself there.
How to Keep Sane When the World is Mad
I’ve been leaning on art very heavily to cope with all of this. I’ve written a handful of songs, some poems, taken lots of photographs, made a short film, and made a mask of my own face from a 3D scan. I have a bigger piece in mind with that, a series of masks in different expressions. Here are some of my recent creations
Tether Me to Something and Make Me Feel Real Again
Short film experimentation https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYJUMR7iOYg
A Mask of My Own Face
This one was a lot of fun to make, and I’m excited to make a series of masks. Of my face, but also more abstract ideas and expressions of self. This mask will become the new face of kingposs.com. My gasmask and goggles were more function than anything, it’s what I dawned to go out during the pandemic. It became a great way to conceal my face for my site though, and kind of became a part of its identity. I’ve been feeling like doing something new, something different, and uniquely me. I really like the idea. Hiding my face, and showing a visage of myself instead.
Here’s a render of the mask in blender. I 3d scanned my face, then sculpted the finer details:
And here it is 3D printed in gold:
I have more works, but don’t really feel like sharing yet. Thank you for reading, I will try to write soon