What’s going on.
It’s my second journal entry - 7 days from my last. It’s been an alright week I’d say. I didn’t have enough PTO or sick leave, but I took Monday off, because fuck it — I get so little in comparison to other countries, and I burned up all my sick leave/PTO on a weeks long evacuation due to wildfire. It’s just crazy to me that we get so little here in the USA. Whatever, a rant for another day. Here are some of the pictures from Monday’s outing:
115kV transmission line starting pylon
Idk what this even is LOL. Outside Substation.
Cell tower w/ two microwave uplink dishes
Twin 220kV Pylons (Origin: Devers)
Actually pleased with how this photo came out
Twin 500kV Pylons (Origin: Devers)
Now here’s the crazy thing: When I was standing under these double-circuit 500 kV lines, you could hear buzzing. It was a bit humid that day, and what I was hearing was corona discharge! It’s literally ionizing the air around the lines, producing audible noise (the buzzing), radio interference, and even visible light!
There’s decent photos of it happening around the corona rings on insulation strings and conductors, but only one photo I’ve found of the entire high voltage line glowing (i assume with a really really really long exposure time):
This has be wondering…If I was able to do my own long exposure on a particularly humid night, would I be able to capture (in higher definition) the lines glowing?! I don’t have the means to do it right now, but I desperately need to try and capture this photo one day. I will.
San Diego Recloser/Sectionalizer W/ UHF uplink
Here’s an interesting piece of kit I saw while down in San Diego: a SCADA controlled recloser/sectionalizer for a 69kV distribution line! It has a UHF uplink (as indicated by the directional antenna), but I think that’s a backup if anything. It probably uses a phone carrier as it’s primary form of communication but that’s just me guessing. We don’t really have these (at least from what I’ve seen) in our neck of the woods, so that was pretty cool to see.
San Diego Trip, Lost in Self
We went out to San Diego to visit one of my wife’s friends. She was originally planning on going by herself, but I asked if I could tag along. My medication has been helping me tons. I’m way more stable, my thoughts are less negative and less intrusive, and it’s a big difference than before I started taking it. I wanted to go mainly to see how socializing is on my medication, and while I can say, it’s not as bad as it was before, I’m still a bit of a freak. I didn’t realize we were planning to stay the night until right before we left. Definitely my fault for not confirming. I just assumed I’d drive back at night like I typically do on our outings. I have a hard time with things changing suddenly especially within social contexts, but I was the one who was tagging along to begin with so I wasn’t about to make her change her plans.
Objectively, on paper, it was fun. Their friend is an amazing host, they’re super sweet, and I felt more than “welcomed” by them. They had cooked fresh pasta when we got there, and made us country fried steak w/ an over easy egg and mashed potatoes. We smoked weed and listened to music.
Again, on paper, it all sounds fun. Though I found myself once again retreating into my mind and senses. The house they’re staying at is a party house. People come and go, and there’s a lot of people staying there. The majority of them are decent people, but there’s one I don’t trust after they manipulated two others in the group, seemingly for sex.
My wife and their friend were drinking, laughing, enjoying themselves. I could hear a couple in the garage having a pretty heated argument. I’m the only one who noticed. It made me wickedly uncomfortable, especially to be the only one privy to it. I was kind of baffled that neither of them noticed. I’m hyperaware when I’m outside the house and that’s probably why.
About halfway through the day, I felt it starting to sink in I was going to be spending the night here. In addition to that, I started to feel like a third wheel. After all, it was them that was planning to hang out. I’m just here. She’s assured me she had a good time and they both seemed to enjoy my presence, they even said so. I need to take that at face value, but it’s really hard not to look for a thousand little reasons I’m fucking things up.
Despite the uncomfortableness, I didn’t drink, which is good. Not a single drop. We smoked weed of course, but that’s become a background substance after a near decade of daily smoking. Before, any social outing I would go to, I would drink. At this point I dont think its healthy to try and dull myself to drag through social interactions, so rn I’m just learning to bareback this shit, and be more genuine.
I couldn’t get to sleep until about 2:30 or 3. Woke up at 4:30 or so, fell back asleep and had an honest to god nightmare for the first time in what feels like years. Typically they’re just stress dreams. I woke up feeling like I had just fought for my life.
In Retrospect
Did I have fun? No, not really. Do I think it did me good to try and bare through it anyway? Yeah. I did better than I usually do. I don’t think I’ll ever be “normal”, but I shouldn’t let that stop me from trying. I’m happy I got through it without too much whining.
It’s funny, I’ve called them “my wife’s friend” this entire time but I actually met and knew them before they even started talking. They actually let me stay in their hotel room at BLFC, when they found out I got a hotel room w/ this absolute tool named Epsilon. They even gave me a plushie at the end of it.
I want to say they’re my friend too, but I really don’t feel it. I know I should, I know they probably feel that way, but they are still outside of my ring 0 of trust. All of that group is, when they’ve been some of the sweetest people I’ve known. Hell, I met my wife because of the meetups they organize. I should feel some sense of connection to them, but often all I feel is resentment I don’t understand them or how they work.
I’m trying. I hope I can do one of these outings again with my wife. I’m really really trying. I always walk away the next day feeling like an alien, feeling almost detached from myself or who I am. But it doesn’t feel as bad as it did before. I’m not entirely wigging tf out.
I’ll try to write again next week. I might post earlier if I have something worth saying. Thanks to anyone reading this.
LATE NIGHT ADDENDUM
I realize I’ve grown fond and quite close to a group of fellow webweavers from Neocities. I legitimately feel comfortable calling them my friends, and it’s a really cozy revelation. They’re my friends! A couple of us played PEAK together, and had an absolute blast. We’re gonna play more this week for sure. There’s also this lovely girl my wife and I have gone hiking/offroading with named Lulu. I think I’d call her my friend too, I can let my guard down in their company. Maybe it’s just about finding the people I’m comfortable with. It ‘s 9:51 PM and I wrote this post earlier in the day. Having fun with my pals, recognizing I have them, and cuddling with my wife is making me feel better :3