Hello again
Well a lot has happened in this last month.
My grandfather was in hospice with three types of cancer, but he was lively and grew to love the nurses, and the nurses him. After a fall and a minor surgery to put pins in his hip, he declined rapidly. He wasn’t responding to nurses. His vitals began to decline.
We had moments of lucidity, and he was still himself despite it all. My family and myself was able to say our peace, let him know we loved him, that we’d see him in the next life. It was hard seeing a loved one who was always so lively and cheerful in such an agonizing state. For the next few days, we would visit him as much as we could. I kind of wish I made more of an effort to see him even just one last time. I didn’t have any PTO, and I didnt think I could afford to lose any more on my paycheck. I wish I took that hit now. I know regardless I’d likely feel the same. Goodbyes are always hard.
He died in the night around 2:30 AM. My Mother came to our trailer and let my wife and I know. It was hard. It still is, my heart feels heavy with the knowledge I wont get to talk to him again in this life. But I Know I’ll see him in the next. He was at peace with his fate, he was ready. We were joking and laughing together until the very end.
He was a helicopter pilot, a sailor, a smuggler, a stoner, a hippie, a captain, a horticulturist, landscaper, a smuggler, a lover, and a straight up fucking pirate. He lived such a full life, he experienced all he could, and I’ll tell his stories for the rest of my days. One day, I’ll recount some of his tales here. I plan on getting an anchor tattoo with a ribbon around it with his name. He shaped so much of who I am, he’ll always be with me in one way or another. I inherited one of his pipes. A piece of bamboo taken from a wind chime, with a brass pipe fitting for the bowl. He made it decades ago and its what he smoked out of every day. Every time I smoke out of it, I do it in his honor. Rest in peace grandpa, you fucking legend.
Diagnosed with the ‘tism and the ADHD
Well the results of all those screenings an assessments finally came back. My psychologist diagnosed me with Autism Spectrum Disorder, and ADHD (inattentive type). I cant say I’m surprised, I was adding up the numbers on some of the screeners they sent to me and was realizing I was hitting high numbers pretty consistently. I will say though, having an official diagnosis is very vindicating, and I feel like gives me much more room to accept who I am, if that makes sense.
I’ve been trying hard to regulate myself. Limiting sensory input, taking time to decompress if I do something strenuous like work, or attend some sort of social outing. Half the battle was honestly just realizing what the fuck I was experiencing. I didn’t really know how to put it into words that im just overwhelmed, and with how I mask I would just sort of tank sensory overload and be like “haha no i’m fine :)” when I’m wigging out on the inside. I’m also trying to give myself more grace to stop masking around people. I’ve been limiting who I am, and what I share with people for far too long. There’s a difference between being guarded, and being so walled off from people you can’t form any meaningful connection. I’ve got a lot to re-frame and ponder. Things to process. But that’s fine, it’s growth and I truly welcome it.
My ADHD diagnosis is also explaining so much of the issues I’ve had in my life. I’m meeting soon with a psychiatrist to discuss medication, and if I can just get some extra help establishing a schedule, rhythm, and healthy habits, I feel like it might be easier to maintain in general. That’s all I really want; a helping hand. Anything is better than raw dogging this shit, I tell ya what.
Getting bit with the photography bug
Photography has always interested me, and I’ve been enjoying taking photos on my lil digicam from canon of the power lines and infrastructure around me. But I started to feel limited in what I could do. I got myself a NIkon D5100 DSLR! I bought a 70-300mm lens to go along with the kit lens, and I’ve been having an absolutely wonderful time taking photos. I’ve got a lot to learn, though I feel like I have a somewhat innate (or learned through osmosis) sense of composition. I feel like my brain is built for it to be honest. I’m always noticing patterns, things lining up, etc etc.
I’ve also been having a blast learning how to color grade my photos. Here’s some of my favorite shots I’ve taken as of late
Upcoming Stuff
- More photography! and most likely an updated NeoGallery Gallery widget, to better show off my pics, and to include support for portrait images.
- I’m going to a wildflower festival with my wife and our friend, which should be fun :3
- More 3D printed stuff, like my mask. I want to do more modelling
- A return to KP Radio. More planning, but I’ve already created a new calendar widget (which i should honestly write about), and it’s definitely in the works.